A Day in the Life of Jo

6 am: Wake up. Let this be known by shouting "BAH!" Get pissed if it's more than 0.001 milliseconds before my dad comes to get me. He brings me to my mom so she can feed me. I'm super happy to see her and give her my biggest cutest smile. It's been like six whole hours and apparently she's been sleeping that WHOLE time. God, Ma, get a job. Milk AGAIN?!

6:30 am: Why'd you let me eat so much? Ugh. Get my diaper changed and a new outfit and then lay bloated on my playmat while my mom attempts to entertain me. She really makes a fool of herself sometimes.

7 am: Time for a nap. Mommy usually has to put TV static on pretty loud to coax me to sleep. If she tries to turn it down even gradually while I'm sleeping, I wake up immediately and start crying. It's pretty funny! Mom works while I sleep.

10 am: I'm awake! Whose diaper do you have to change to get a little milk around here? Mom changes me and then tries to get me to roll over on my playmat. I'm sooo over rolling over. Maybe the other 3 month olds are still doing that, but I'm a trendsetter. I sit up in the Bumbo or lean against the couch. I get a big proud smile on my face because I'm so awesome and smart. You don't have to be humble when you're a baby. You're going to work, Daddy? See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

11 am: Another nap?! WTF? This is an outrage. I have things to do. I have to pay my mortgage, invest in my 401K, get my eyebrows waxed, post my latest diaper outcome on Twitter, clean the ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

1 pm: Wake up. Mommy's usually cleaning something. I stare at her for a while. I'm in a pretty good mood. We chill. Gossip around the milk cooler. I usually sit on the couch like a big girl, or sit in my bumbo, or lay on the couch and Mommy plays with my toys while I look at her funny. Sometimes she puts on musical soundtracks and performs the songs for me complete with theatrical singing and dance numbers. She would be embarrassed if she knew I told you that, so keep it on the DL. She also sometimes straps me in the carrier and dances around with me. She says it's good exercise. She has to constantly entertain me or I get really upset. I know she loves a challenge!

4 pm: Daddy's home! I smile really big at him. Mommy seems really happy to see him too. She looks tired. I kick it with Big D for a while. He reads to me. I don't know who Faulkner is but he uses a lot of big words. I like Pat the Bunny because the bunny has soft fur. I mean, I'm a baby, what do you expect, a book report? Sometimes he takes pictures of me. My grandparents like looking at me because I'm America's Next Top Baby. I love going for a walk with him in the stroller. There's so much to see! Trees, old ladies, butterflies, an occasional crazy homeless guy....ah, Los Angeles.

5 pm: Mommy's eaten dinner so now Daddy eats. They try to watch TV (sometimes they even try to hold hands and cuddle with each other--barf!) but sometimes I don't let them. I'd rather scream and make them walk around with me. I hate it when they're comfortable. I like it when Mommy sits me in her lap with her arms around me and rocks back and forth while shushing in my ear. This means she can't see the TV, but whatever, that stuff rots your brain. Put on Sesame Street, please.

6 pm: If it's bath night, I have a bath. It's really relaxing and I'm usually a really good girl. Then they have the nerve to take me OUT of the glorious warm water! Can someone call CPS on them? I have to spend a whole second in the cold bathroom butt naked before I'm wrapped in my hooded towel and by then I'm so mad I just can't even deal. Now I'm going to be extra cranky all night. Thanks a lot. I look really cute with my wet hair sticking up all Alfalfa-like, though, so they forgive me.

7 pm: If I'm really unhappy, we all go for a drive in the car. I'm so big now I can hold my head erect in the carseat--until I fall asleep, and then Mommy has to hold it up for me because it flops all over the place. Mommy and Daddy use this time to talk about boring stuff. I really don't see why they need to talk about anything but me.

9 pm: I decide I hate everything with the passion of a thousands suns and want the whole world to know. Daddy tries to put me to bed for three hours (sometimes more!) while I scream my head off. Mommy tries to help and he tells her to go to bed. I don't think she can sleep very well when I'm crying. Sometimes I play a fun game where I fall asleep and my parents think I'm asleep for the night and just when they're falling asleep I wake up again! Guys? Why aren't you laughing?

12 pm: Asleep in my crib. I shouldn't have partied so late. I'm gonna really feel it in the morning.