big girls don't cry

There's been a shift in the Green household lately. Tim is taking out a life insurance policy. We're selling our second car to save money. We've been talking about trying to build up a down payment in case we ever get the opportunity to buy a house in the future. Tim is taking on on new businessman-like responsibilities in his career. We're concerned about things like finding a good pediatrician, taking care of our health, ensuring our financial security. Basically, we're two steps away from those furrow-browed old people sipping Metamucil and looking through brochures in commercials for retirement investments, talking about "We have to take care of our future!" I think I know what these changes are all about. I think the day we've been warned about our whole lives is upon us. We've become adults.

When Tim and I first met, my biggest worry was passing my community college astrology course and his was showing up on time to his overnight job at a group home. Now we're married with careers and having a baby. The future we dreamed about is here. We did it. But with that dream comes responsibility. We're not carefree kids anymore. And if we're feeling humbled by responsibility now, I can't imagine how sobered we'll feel when we hold our precious daughter for the first time and realize that her life depends on us. There are two emotions people consistently describe when talking about parenthood: joy and fear. I'm not used to those states co-existing. But what a privilege, to have a life so valuable you'll do anything to preserve it.

I don't mean to sound as if I think our youth is over, that from now on life will be nothing but taxes and ironing and checkbook-balancing and homework and somber family portraits in matching outfits. I fully expect Green Bean to bring a whole new mindblowing level of fun and silly to our lives. But it won't be the driving-to-Vegas-in-the-middle-of-the-night, blowing-a-whole-paycheck-on-shoes kind of fun and silly. When she gets hurt, it will be up to us to to heal her. When she can't figure out her math project (oh god), it will be up to us to help her. If someone threatens her, it will be up to us to protect her. There was a certain cheerful meaningnessless that defined life before Green Bean--and even, to a degree, before marriage--but now the joy is huge and intense and the meaning is equally huge and intense. Never again we will have nothing to lose.

That's what growing up is. Taking big steps toward a big future, even knowing how big the drop is should you fall. I look at the fulfillment our work brings us, the incredible happiness and comfort and strength of our marriage, the way my heart swells with love and awe when we see our baby on the ultrasound or feel her moving inside me, and I know there is no price too high, no challenge I wouldn't rise to in the name of this beautiful life. I may not always feel confident and prepared, but I'm ready. Bring it on, adulthood.